To post or not to post, about what to be
I’ve been reading through some old posts just now, among both published and unpublished writings from months and years ago, and thinking about what I chose (and choose) to post or not post.
I keep thinking, while I sit in Meeting for Worship or walk around on Mount Tabor, that the most essential thing to encounter is what is here and now. I consider my sense of abandonment - my deep sadness following my parents’ divorce, because I needed (and still need) to know that I was (and am) important to them, that they care(d) about me, and because I believed, in some way, that their divorce meant they cared more about their own emotional experiences than about those of their sons, or that the experiences I had indicated that one or the other of them valued me less in some way - I think about this and I wonder, is that what I’m really supposed to be dealing with in the world? Ending this multi-generational experience of abandonment? I think of stories I’ve heard about my parents’ and grandparents’ childhoods, and I wonder if the real work of my life might not be simply in being present.
It’s a challenge, you see, because I am also deeply drawn to the work that I’ve been calling, tongue-in-cheek of course, “saving the world”. The work of building whatever organizational structures I can to outlast myself and end the use of violence as a means of resolving conflicts. To answer the question, “how can we transform a more powerful force that is either malicious towards us or disinterested in our survival, such that it becomes a partner in a culture that thrives by enriching all life?”
This dilemma is one about which I don’t think I’ve written here before, not because it’s too private to share with you, but because I am protective of my potential futures. But I wonder, sometimes: is it wise to remain silent, when silence is driven by an expectation of retribution for speaking out? If I do that, haven’t I already lost?
So again, I think about how I spend my time. Why don’t I spend more time reading, memorizing and reciting poetry, and walking in the woods? Why don’t I write more, and play with children? Why don’t I focus on home-making, settle down, raise a family, and put all my time and attention toward them? Why do I chase the addictive phantoms of success, when I know what other things fulfill me in the here-and-now?
I think it has to do with seeing that this other work needs to be done, and believing that I’m better at it than anyone else who has stepped forward. I know I’m an imperfect tool to do this work. I know I’m built for crunching numbers and reciting lines, and uniquely suited to healing the experience of abandonment, rather than for organizing a Party. But Party-organizing work is what’s in front of me, and I haven’t yet shaken the belief that I owe it to the world, past and future, to solve big problems by gathering like-minded groups of people around common goals and values. Perhaps, when I have passed this milepost, crested that next rise, or rounded that distant bend, I’ll find a different here in front of me, and face a new set of challenges in their turn.
And in the meantime, perhaps I can find ways to weave fulfillment in along the path, and ways to share the journey here while honoring all my potential futures.
February 1st, 2007 at 09:24
It is our path to try to “save the world”. Don’t spend too much time fretting about whether you are having a grand or a small effect. It is our cumulative efforts that matter.
As for me, I finally decided to take a different tack. I’m applying to medical school. I find out in the next month or three whether I’ve made it in, but hopefully this time next year I will be cultivating my healing skills rather than typing alone in a silent office.
Who knows what the future may hold?
Happy Imbolc!