A well-fitting sweater-vest
From a recent email to a dear friend:
I, too, find cozy comfort in the sort of autonomy in which one takes responsibility for one’s own experience – it reminds me of a well-fitting sweater-vest, of the sort that encourages good posture while warming the whole torso. It seems to me like that’s an essential aspect of the sort of mutual reinforcement I hope for in my closest relationships. In order to stand as close as I like without leaning on my partner, to be as flexible as I want without falling over, and to move as readily through the world as I expect my goals will demand of me, I need to be all the more balanced, strong, and grounded in myself.
The sort of person I want in my life will be an ally with whom I can partner on shared projects, or with whom I can create mutual reinforcing synergies in our aligned yet independent work. That means this person must be as strong and flexible, as close and balanced, as grounded and mobile, as I hope to be myself. And to attract such a wonderful person, I work every day to be more of what I’m looking for.
Carl Rogers describes this quality as differentiation. Gay and Katie Hendricks call it taking 100% responsibility (and neither more nor less than that). Byron Katie talks about knowing whose business things are – yours, mine, or God’s. I’ve heard that the Landmark Forum teaches about this as well. And no verses spring to mind, but I imagine the great wisdom texts of the world’s religions address the issue too.
Hurray for everyone who wears their lives so well and with such clarity that it’s easier to follow the inner guide, to stand upright, and to support each other in doing likewise.