What should I do when I learn that a friend has been sexually assaulted?
When I was sexually assaulted in 1998, it took me two and a half years to tell more than two people.
I just read the email below, and I’m uncomfortable because I want people to consider seriously any claim that a person has been subjected to sexual violence.
If you’re willing, the next time someone lets you know that he or she has been on the receiving end of sexual violence, please tell that person that he or she is not alone, say something like, “I trust you’ll tell me if I can do anything to help,” and then be quiet and listen.
Thanks.
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On 22 Jan 2008, at 14:56 , someone wrote to me:
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn’t show up. Sam wasn’t concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn’t know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill.
On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him.
Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed, ‘For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?’
Bill replied, ‘I’ve been in jail.’
‘Jail?’ cried Sam. ‘You?! What on earth for?’
‘Well,’ Bill said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’
‘Yes,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?’
‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty.’
‘The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’
January 31st, 2008 at 16:11
Thank you for speaking out against sexual violence. We still live in a world where people want to accuse the survivors for all sorts of things, not realizing that it takes so much courage to be able to step forward and even mention it. And that most survivors never even get to.
It really scares me to think of that when I read about pro-life people requiring survivors of rape or incest to have to prove it if they want access to a safe abortion. I mean, it took you two and a half years! The system rapes people all over again.
I am sorry that you experienced sexual assault and thank you for speaking out about it.
January 31st, 2008 at 18:54
You’re welcome, Allison. Just a few years ago, I might have had trouble breathing while reading that email. I’m glad to be at a point now where I can respond to such emails in a way that I imagine might raise some awareness of the issues involved, start a few good conversations, and maybe help people around the world connect with their friends in a moment of need.