Home of the Wanderer

What would stop me from dating someone? That’s a great question. Other than simply not creating the relationship for which I’m hoping, or not fitting the core of the list of positive qualities I’m seeking in a partner, there are a few things that I’ve identified that could be called “deal-breakers.” I’ve got a short list here.

• The energy my past romantic partners and I have put into knowing each other, and the depth of that knowledge, are valuable resources, and I treasure them. I won’t even casually date someone who can’t be friends with their former romantic partners. Sometimes it takes time, but I want to know that it’s a possibility. Ideally, I’d like some evidence of its having happened.
• I’ve got more important things to do than picking up my partner from the courthouse (as might be necessary after a drug-related incident), or answering hardball questions from the media (eg: in relation to such an incident). Because I would do those things if they became necessary, I won’t form a primary partnership (in romance, business, or any other way) with someone who uses, manufactures, possesses, or distributes illegal drugs. No exceptions.
• I don’t, and won’t, live with anyone who smokes. Nor do I spend much time with people who have been smoking. I have better things to smell, it’s terrible for your health and mine, and – for those situations involving one or more of our mouths – you taste much better without cigarettes. The only exceptions I could imagine making in these areas are for culturally appropriate and respectful ceremonial use.
• I have very little tolerance for dishonesty, and don’t spend any more time than absolutely necessary with people who mislead me. I’m not likely to stay in a relationship with someone who, outside of a game, without disclosing the fact of an omission, strategically omits information that person has reason to believe I’d care about. I have slightly more patience for this, as it’s on my own learning edge in the realm of honesty.
• Though I’m inclined to start with casual dating, I’m looking for something long-term, and my partner’s financial status is likely to affect me. It’s not a likely subject for early conversation, but I won’t stay in a relationship with someone who is irresponsible with money. Debt is not the deal-breaker here, but poor management.

In general, a relationship with me won’t last if the other person displays a persistent tendency toward rudeness, unkind or controlling behavior, taking advantage of others, selfishness, anxiety, emotional instability, poor hygiene (in the broader sense, relating to health and wellness), or violation of boundaries and/or agreements. In the long term, sexual hangups and/or disinterest would also be a significant impediment to a relationship with me.

Back to honesty: I tend to take disclosure, even of the deal-breakers listed above, as an opportunity for reconciliation and growth. I understand that people make mistakes, and that sometimes it takes time to figure out how to address them. I’m likely to be much more amenable to reconciliation if I hear about a deal-breaker first-hand before I hear about it through the grapevine. If I do hear about one of these things through the grapevine I will not assume that the rumors are true, but will find a delicate way to inquire directly. And if a romantic partner of mine is really attached to continuing with one of these deal-breakers, we’ll get to being post-romantic friends much faster if we talk about it honestly and openly.