What I want in my partner

This list is the result of my engaging with an exercise from “If the Buddha Dated” by Charlotte Kasl. It indicates the things I have imagined I might want in my partner, and whether those things are crucial and non-negotiable (priority 1), desired but not essential (priority 2), or nice but not necessary (priority 3). I’ve also put the average of the priorities for each category in parentheses beside the category name.

It’s worth noting that a person might appear to miss some of these, and nevertheless be a perfect fit, because my descriptions here are imperfect.

Also note that many items in the third category (nice but not necessary) are bonus features – things I thought of, when doing this exercise, as “oh, yeah, that would be convenient.” This is especially true in the Creativity/Passion area. For example: it might be nice to have a relationship with someone who was passionately creative about housekeeping, not because I’m a housekeeping buff, but precisely because I enjoy the benefits of a clean house and would gladly leave the work to someone who likes it more than I do. On the other hand, singing and cooking are on in this category because, though I enjoy those things and would probably enjoy sharing them with a partner, I don’t have to in order to enjoy either the activities or a relationship.

Finally, note that a lot of these are in a shorthand of some kind. This is approximately the list as it showed up on paper when I first wrote it, plus a few changes.

Area of relationship (Average priority)

priority
Essence (1) 1

grounded in oneness and love

 1

compassionate and insightful

 1

curious

 1

playful

 1

sees is/isn’t

 1

weaving a life together that inspires God

 1
Spirituality (1) 1

honest

 1

highly integrated self

 1

rich inner life

 1

open-hearted

 1

recognizes spiritual unity, and seeks it

 1
Psychological/Emotional (1) 1

high capacity for emotional connection & exploration

 1

high degree of individuation, differentiation

 1

warm

 1

open

 1

high-context social skills

 1

kind, generous, honest

 1

positive, energetic

 1

resilient heart

 1
Interests (1.33) 1

politics

 1

community

 1

spirituality

 1

outdoors/wilderness

 1

dance/martial arts/other body movement

 1

sex

 1

creativity

 1

activism

 2

decisionmaking and diplomacy

 3
Physical/Material (1.67) 2

cute

 1

voluptuous or androgynous (waist less than 90% of whichever is less, hips or chest; chest and hips within 10% of each other)

 1

fit (BMI 18.5-24; body fat between 14% and 31%)

 1

25-40 years old

 1

ambitious with respect to interests and creativity

 1

resilient body

 1

enjoys sex

 1

energetic

 1

fiscal responsibility

 1

firm (14% to 24% body fat) and curvy (waist less than 75% of whichever is less: hips or chest)

 2

25-35 years old

 2

college degree (BA/BS or higher)

 2

high competence in upper-crust social situations

 2

“toned” (less than 21% bodyfat)

3

27-32 years old

 3

financially self-sufficient

 3
Intellect (1.8) 2

intelligent, engaging with world

 1

seeks interesting & creative solutions to problems

 1

enjoys exploring ideas, and can also set them aside to focus on problem at hand

 2

able to engage in intellectual discourse, dialogue, and even debate

 2

likes strategy games, resource management, puzzles, math, and words

 3
Values/Lifestyle (1.83) 2

Quaker/Sufi/Buddhist/Taoist/other mystic

 1

progressive

 1

raise kids based on developmental psych research

 2

urban ecovillage living

 2

permaculture

 2

one or two kids

 3
Creativity/Passion (1.88) 2

energetic

 1

positive

 1

dancing

 1

connected & engaged with the world

 1

playful

 1

spirited

 1

lovemaking

 1

problem solving

 2

telling stories / storyteller

 2

create organizations

 2

original play

 2

system thinking

 2

singing

 3

cooking

 3

housekeeping

 3

event hosting, planning

 3

gardening

 3